The 25. Day

I have decided to further pursue my research and get people to tell their quitting story. I might ask people who have tried to quit but did not quit in the end a well. I hope to learn something from them. I am sure I will. I plan to ask (almost) the same questions from everyone.

I conducted the first of these interviews on Skype yesterday. É., will be 80 in a few months. Her mother was my adopted grandmother. So along with my grandmother my family and I adopted É. too, her and her family. This was many-many years ago. It doesn't matter anymore who adopted who.

So here is É.'s story.

AV: When and why did you smoke your first cigarette?

É: I don't remember my very first cigarette. What I do remember was that it was a totally conscious decision. I spent my whole childhood knowing that one day I would smoke. You see, my grandmother, Sz.'s brother smoked a lot. This uncle, he was in labour service and died during the war. His smoking ritual was the most beautiful thing. The way he rolled a cigarette, the tobacco, the cigarette paper, I can still see it today, he rolled it, than he licked the paper, always, he always licked the cigarette paper. It was simply delicious. I loved watching this whole procedure. So I imitated him as a child and I took pieces of toilet paper and rolled them up like a cigarette, licked it and letting it dangle from my mouth. Of course it always became soggy soon,  dripping from saliva. So I rolled another one. I just loved that ritual. My Mother, K. saw this and asked me to at least wait until I was 18 to start smoking. So I thought no problem, but I knew for sure that the moment I turn eighteen, I will start smoking. I turned eighteen and I lit my very first cigarette. I smoked for more than 40 years after that. It was a conscious decision.

AV: How did you quit?

É: My Mother ("Anyám") had heard about a Health Centre nearby which had offered a quit smoking service. They said they would pay half the fee and you only had to pay the other half. This was at the end of the 80's and 12 000 Forints (35 GBP) was a lot of money in those days. The Health Centre would pay the other 12. They gave me nicotine patches to wear for about a month. I had to put them on myself, one day on the right arm, the next day on the left arm, and so on. The amount of nicotine within the patches depended on how much you had smoked. I smoked about 20 a day. My Mother was so eager for me to quit that she offered to pay out part of the fee. To my surprise the people at the centre were nice, they did not pressure me, didn't tell me all the bad things that would happen to me if I wouldn't quit. I asked them what would happen if I smoked a cigarette while having a patch on me, they said I might get nicotine poisoning.  Whether this was true or not, I don't know, but it did scare me to death at the time.

AV: Who or what made you quit?

É: My Mother. She was on my case about this all the time. She had heard a lot of bad things about smoking. She wanted me to quit very badly. And you know how she was when she wanted something to get done... It was also very expensive to smoke. I am really glad now that I quit.
I remember my last cigarette. We were with M. and family, you know they have a country house, we arrived there, I got out of the car. I had a cigarette and I knew it was to be the last one. I had smoked for more than 40 years.

AV: Apart from the health centre, was there anything else that helped you?

É: I know people like to have candy or something to chew on, but I was never a fan of sweets. So I bought myself an inhalator with a mint taste. I chewed on this, all the time, like crazy. Than when it fell apart, I bought another one. And another one.
These days I hear one can buy electronic cigarettes. That must be helpful, too, but I bet it still doesn't feel as good as the real thing.
When I was pregnant, nobody warned me, nobody said to me you shouldn't smoke as it can harm the child. There were so many things back than that they never warned you about. If you had a miscarriage, they just said, well, that's just the way it is.

AV: What do you miss the most about it?

É.: The whole ceremony of it, for sure. Taking the lighter out, that first inhale is sooo good.

AV: How long did it take you to fully quit?

É: It's now been about 20 years. Yes, 20 years this year. It took me many, many-many long years to really quit. It never bothered me if others smoked around me, but it still took me a long time. For years I thought oh, how wonderful it would be to have a smoke. With my coffee, just one after this meal, when we went out, oh, boy, it would be great to light up. But I didn't. It took years. I know there are people who quit for years and then because of some event in their life they suddenly go back to smoking as if nothing had happened.
You know what they say. You can't really quit smoking. All you can do is stop. 

AV: Any tricks or advice for someone who is trying to quit?

É: Patches worked for me. Perhaps try getting an X-ray of his lungs now, after smoking intensively for so many years and then again after a half year or a year. So that he can see the difference in what his lungs look like. That might be effective.
But the truth is, it is down to just one thing. It depends on you, your willpower, nothing else.

The 24. Day

The package sent by dear friends contained a lot of great Hungarian magazines and even a few we wouldn't normally buy or have easy access to. To add to the surprise, there were even two lovely magnets in the package, one for each of us. S. was very happy to receive it all. Thank you, friends, G. and Zs.!

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By the way S. is still not reading this blog. We do talk about it occasionally and he knows I record his progress and what we do together. He said he wouldn't read it for the time. But he does like that it exists.

The 23. Day

Yes, package has arrived!

Only about 8 or 9 more hours until he receives it in his hands. I have work to do in the meantime, need to focus!

I am looking forward to this one, yesss!

-----

The other day S. and I head an argument. Doesn't matter what it was about and yes, we did calm down in the end, came back to Earth and continued to live on. But in the moments of heated argument I did say a really bad sentence which I shouldn't have. It was something about him being such an asshole since he had quit smoking and something else about it not being fair that because he is not smoking he can take it all out on me.

I could have helped it, I chose not to.

Am I an idiot? Perhaps. But sometimes I lose it and I don't even think it's a sin. It can be very difficult and arguments can go pretty deep.

It would have been better not to say what I have said. But it's already out there.

-----

Sally: You can't take it back.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because it's already out there.
Harry: Oh jeez. What are we supposed to do? Call the cops? It's already out there!

/from When Harry Met Sally/

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Later that day S. asked me not to say to him anything as such again. I promised.

I am very sorry for saying it. 

-----

The 22. Day

Another yoga class tonight. And on both days over the weekend. I got into an argument with the yoga teacher, oh, yeah, me of all people. I am usually the calmest, most reserved, nicest... Or am I, now? I think I might have changed a bit (a lot) over the past few years. I do like to say what I think. There is more and more of that these days. And guess what?! People don't like honesty much.

Except for S. He likes that I sometimes pick my fights and I don't hide my opinion. 

Anyways, I was down and out in Bikram yoga class Sunday night. It just hit me about two thirds through the class. Had a hard time breathing, the room was unusually hot and most of all I was feeling nauseous. So I sat down to have a break. The best thing you can do in this hot yoga class is to wait it out until the nauseous or whatever it is that is bothering you goes away. I decided to sit for a bit, then lie down. The yoga teacher, a very young looking girl comes over and asks if everything was alright. I told her I'll be okay, not feeling good at the moment. She asks something else, I sort of nod. I don't want to talk much more, I am feel like shit. I am wonder why she doesn't get it straight away. You come over, you ask, you have done your job, now you need to leave me alone. She then tells me I shouldn't lie down with my feet this way as it is disrespectful to the teacher. Disrespectful. What's that got to do with anything? I am working so hard, sweating like a big, and currently just simply trying to breath.  I might throw up on you if you don't go away this second. I didn't and she did move, finally. Perhaps because after a while I stopped talking to her.

After a few minutes I was back to the postures and continued on doing them until the end of the class.

The class ended, and straight after class people like to sit outside in the foyer to catch their breath. I was sitting there, the teacher comes over and asks if I was alright. AGAIN. At first I was very polite and said yes, I am fine, I just don't like to talk when I am feeling nauseous. People with brains would leave me alone at this point, no? But she keeps going. AGAIN she said that the reason she said I should lie down the other way was that it was disrespectful to lie with my feet towards the teacher.

So I said "I don't think that's true".

She said, "but it is".

I said, "Who said this, was it Bikram?"

She said, "No, it wasn't Bikram, it wasn't me, it has been known for hundreds of years".

I said, "Well, it's still makes no sense whatsoever". I refused to say anything to her after that and she finally gave up and left from my side.

"Mind over matter" is one of Bikram yoga's many slogan. So who cares then which way my feet are lying?

I have a few years experience in this type of yoga, even though I have been doing it on and off most of the time. But this bucket of crap about respect has not been said by any of the other teachers. And neither has anybody been so unwilling to knowledge how you should treat others and what to and not to do when they are feeling sick. And you want to be a teacher? Teaching people? Really?

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This post has been about me, not S. Well, it's been a little bit about him, too. He has taught me and encouraged me throughout the years to stand up for myself and not take all ridiculous nonsense that people throw at you all the time. And of course it is they who get offended. What a surprise.

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We don't sleep enough these days. I don't know why. You'd think we'd sleep much more, based on the amount of exercise we do these days.

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Eagerly awaiting a certain surprise package.

The 21. Day

As you can see (if by any chance there are any regular readers out there) I just changed the template. Should I bring the old one back ? I miss it a bit. But I think the text is a bit more legible this way. Am I wrong? All comments welcome!

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Last night we went to a gig with friends. While standing in line to get into the venue S. told friends (Z. and M.) that he has been smoke-free for three weeks.
Z.: "You, what?"
S.: "I quit smoking. This is the third week".

Amazement in Z.'s eyes.

It's been 6 months since Z. quit, actually. Quite a guy. He had been a heavy smoker, too.
S. and Z. congratulated each other.

Z.: "Is it difficult?"
S.: "It's not difficult, but I am not enjoying it".

M. said he still very much enjoys the joys of smoking. And told S. with a smile: "Aaah, so you are still at raw stage".

We all laughed.

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Have I mentioned that flowers are good for the soul? YES, I have. Well, even better if it is orchids. Or cacti. We have seen both today at the annual orchid exhibition at Kew Gardens. This was a surprise for him I mentioned in yesterday's post. It was a very cold day in London, but luckily, orchids don't like the cold weather either and we could only marvel at them at the lovely, warm greenhouse, oh, yes. At the Princess of Wales Conservatory, to be exact.
Oh, and we bought three lily bulbs at the gift shop. They are to be planted soon and should bring flowers in June or July. Here is hoping that the room they will live in (our kitchen or living room) will not be a smokey one. No, can't be.

-----

This man has incredible willpower.

Congratulations, S.!

3 weeks done.

The third photo obviously has no orchids in it. It's just a funny plant, looks like someone spilled some paint on it.

The 20. Day

I asked S. what others have said about him trying to quit. Do they make comments, is there any teasing going on? He said they've all been positive. No teasing.

That's actually much better than I thought. I don't think people have enough empathy, not enough at all. I think most people make funny remarks, but don't think about the consequences. I think people make serious remarks and  don't think about the consequences. When you remind them that they have just offended you, that they have just hurt you, that they have been no help at all, guess what they do? They get offended. Honesty doesn't pay off well. Not very well, anyways.

But it's good to hear that the reaction has been positive so far.

He has told close friends, colleagues, his brother and sister. All supportive.

By the way, there is another surprise in the pipeline. Two, actually.

No, cannot tell just yet, sorry.

But I will write about it when the time is right.

Soon.

The 19. Day

We were both working from home yesterday and towards the afternoon S. emerged every hour to pick up the little identified flying object and have fun for 5 minutes. I got to try it out in the evening and it is indeed FUN! It's not easy to keep it in the air, because you are bound to fly it into plants, lamps and anything else nearby. But the helicopter seems to recover very well each time it becomes the victim of yet another disaster. Well, I did break a tiny yellow piece off of it, not at all intentionally, though, but surely crashing the tiny gadget many-many times. S. said it was an unimportant piece and wasn't angry at all.

You can't really get angry, playing with the copter is so much fun. It's gratifying to watch how it flies, you get the biggest laughs. You laugh the hardest, I am afraid, when it crashes. But it soon recovers and is ready to fly again.

5 minutes, then it looses it's strength and back to the charging board.

I don't know how long it will keep us occupied, but I highly recommend this toy. It also slightly depends on the pace by which I break the little parts off of it...

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Strangely enough the quitting business does not come up in my head as often as it had in the previous weeks. Has it now become old news? Well...

It might be so in my head, but I bet he still has that urge several times a day.

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We have been to 5 hot yoga classes so far. We struggle (a lot), but it's getting better (all the time). It was a bit strange for me at first to go together with someone as I have always gone on my own before. But it's not strange at all to do something together with him. So those familiar smiles, gestures are so satisfying while you try to concentrate on not kicking the sweaty bucket right there and then.

-----

19 days done.

The 18. Day

Incredibly enough, this is the 18. day post. For the minority who haven't read the title.

And on this day into our life... came... arrived... without further ado...

No, not a baby. (For those who might ask. There is always someone who asks.)

No, it's not a dog.

Not even a parrot. No birds. No, no mice either (thankfully).

Anyone else, any more guesses?

It's a small, yellow and black, electric helicopter.

S. and colleagues are having a tiny helicopter competition soon. You can't spend more than £25 on it and whoever flies it faster, wins. This idea came up at Friday drinks last week. S. ordered one online, it arrived yesterday. It's tiny and can land on the palm of your hand. It also looks like a large, delicate insect. Watch out plants, watch out lamp shades, all you paper lanterns out there!

The yellow copter is in da house!

Now why is this important? Because there is something we didn't know about it. You need to charge it for 1 hour and the copter flies for 5 minutes. Then you need to charge it for another hour, etc. Now isn't that a fine combination?

No?!

Doesn't that remind you of something strikingly similar?

The 17. Day

S.'s colleague was supposed to come to dinner. He smokes. He of course knows S. is trying to quit. He will want to smoke in the flat.

How is this going to work? That was my worry.

Nevertheless, I prepared a delicious meal. Hungarian paprika beef stew (marhapörkölt, I have yet to find a good recipe in English, none of the ones I found so far mention red wine as one of the main ingredients, although that is how I make it!) and tiramisu (yes, tiramisu, the Italian wonder). I even asked my Mom to tell me the recipe of galuska (or nokedli, or Spätzle) which I have never made before, but is the traditional side dish. If you want to make pörkölt, you gotta make the nokedli, too. It's a must. Main and dessert were both ready a day early so that they had a relaxing day to spend in the fridge. Both the taste of stew and tiramisu improve over time (but don't leave it to rot for weeks, that's overdoing it a touch). Somehow the ingredients come together better if they get to sleep on it. The galuska and a cucumber salad was to be prepared before the meal. I have never been ready with the main dishes of a dinner one day early. I also cleaned the flat. Good food in dirty flat, no, no, no. Bad combination. Good food in nice flat, oh, yes, oh, yes.

Last minute S.'s colleague cancelled. He had a very bad cough and wanted to go home. So he did. So no more worrying about him smoking in the flat.

But what to do, what to do? There lay an empty evening ahead.

I wrote to S. on chat that I would go meet him on the way home. No answer. Thankfully, I had an even better idea. How about I ask D., B. and B. if we could come over AND bring dinner. It might be a bit too late for 1,5 year old B. by the time we got there, but still. Yes, they said and were happy to hear from us. Yes, S. said and was happy to hear about this lucky change of events.

Lucky was me being flexible. But never mind. I am the quick thinker, the organizer, oh, my!  What to do, what to do? Think! Quick.

S. and I met at Green Park station, on the westbound Piccadilly platform. That was his suggestion as standing by the station, on the street might have resulted in him thinking about smoking.

The evening was great, another fun night with friends.

Phew.

No. PHEW! with a smile. My smile.  (Oh, and the food was great, too.)

Sigh.

The 16. Day

What if one day I have nothing to say in this blog?

That's still much better than if he starts smoking again. Compared to that having nothing to say is just a tiny temporary glitch in the system.

And there IS always something to say. Go, girl!

xxxxx

Looks like I might be the only person in the universe who doesn't get that a 4 mg nicotine lozenge contains exactly 4 mgs of nicotine (see a previous post). It just seemed like too much nicotine, as a single cigarette contains only 0,7 mgs. Apparently, cigarettes get to you quicker, inhaling is much better than swallowing. Now I know. Never thought about this before. It does seem very logical, now that I think about it. So this means S. consumes about 8 x 4mgs of nicotine each day. Which is exactly on track according to the nicotine lozenge programme.

Reading this blog, you, dear reader might think I am thoroughly obsessed with the nicotine lozenges. Well, "obsessed" may be a bit too far fetched, but I am fascinated by this type of help which so far has provided overwhelmingly good results in the past 2 weeks. So, yes, I might be a bit obsessed, yes.

xxxxx

"Consuming" reminds me. Now is the best time ever to cook good food. Try something new. If it's a disaster, try something different. Try to make it healthy, too, while you are at it. Cooking good food involves creativity and patience.  If you eat good food, both the quitter and the helper will be happy. Food is good for you, don't listen to anyone stating the opposite. Within reason, of course. Good food is good for the soul.

xxxxx

Something else very good for the soul are flowers. Try to have flowers where you live, especially at the beginning of the quitting process. If you can find flowers which have a pleasant smell, even better. A flat or a house that hasn't smelled of anything but smoke for several years starts to breath again. Let it have a pleasant smell. A bit of freshness, a touch of nature is good for you. Simply pleasant to look at. And you need the good vibes now, oh, yes. More than ever.

The 15. Day

Guess what?

When I wash clothes I can now hang them anywhere I want to in the flat. How about that?! Alright, slight explanation required here. These days I don't have to take clothes to the bedroom if I don't want them to smell like smoke. I can just leave them in the living room. Wherever I fancy. No more towels smelling like smoke either, as no smoking going on in the bathroom either. How cool is that? Alright, I now very much sound like a housewife, talking about the clothes I wash. And towels we have in the bathroom. But still! How COOL is that?!

xxxxx

He said sorry again late last night for the extreme screaming scene he cast me in on Sunday morning. And this morning he told me about a dream he had which involved people going crazy and focused on how craziness works in general. There was a certain, quite obvious resemblance. There was a crazy man and a woman, though cries, but stays with her man, no matter what.

Thankfully, he also remembered another dream he had in the same night in which I played a much better part. I portrayed a very sexy and fun woman.

xxxxx

I forgot to write yesterday that we saw Men In Black 3. as well over the weekend. So, now, if anybody asks, I have seen them all, thank you very much. The 3. one was ruined by filmmakers not having any real good ideas (I always say, if you don't have any ideas, do not make a sequel. Stay home. Get a hobby. Walk the dog). So they took on the usual time travel  plot. You need to go back in time to change the past so that present can change for the better. First time I saw this was in Back to The Future in the late 80's. Unfortunately, MIB3 did not add much to the existing clichés. There was only one lovely invention in it, a character called Griffin.

xxxxx

Now that my critical, cynical part got the lead for a minute, I must say that today I started missing that MIB world. The going back to the headquarters, the aliens, the stupid jokes... I can't help it, this always happens to me after I finish a good novel or film. Especially if it living in the same world three times in two days. And don't forget to add a Bikram yoga class to each of those days. Then you get the picture.

xxxxx

Looks like I need to make an effort here as well. I thought I was already making quite an effort patience-wise and planning-wise, but nope, not enough.

Mine is a different type of effort, although I must quit doing something as well. It might sound odd, but I have the bad habit of scratching my face and hair a lot, way too much. It irritates him. A lot. Always has. I especially, notoriously do this when I am bored or nervous. And sometimes as a result of this, my face resembles a teenager's, pimples blooming and all. I am between 30 and 40.

"Should I make you sign something?" he asked. He smiled. I smiled. No, that won't be necessary, thank you very much. I will just stop doing it.

Not easy. Not at all. Nope.

Alright, I quit. Let's see how difficult it is to quit.

The 14. Day

Two weeks done, but who is counting? ME! And S., too.

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So how shxt can the start of a day be? I think we hit an all time low here. What a lovely morning. It wasn't even morning. It was around 11 AM when he woke up. I was wide awake from 9 AM and had been struggling with sleeplessness and various noises for 2 hours when the shxt hit the fan. He had been smiling, being nice all over when he woke up. He said he has had bad dreams. And then, one thing led to the other and suddenly there was a very annoyed and very irritated man in front of me. And he was shouting at me. He shouted that I should "DEAL WITH" him. As in taking care of him, entertaining him. I thought I was doing just that. I was stroking and scratching his back, helping him fall back to sleep. In no less than two minutes he was a shouting beast. I didn't know what to do, I thought I had been comforting him. But NO. He was like an animal locked up in a cage. Who doesn't have enough space to move around. Getting angry. A lion or a tiger walking up and down.

Thankfully, he didn't eat me up and did calm down very quickly.

But I almost lost it. My marbles, my peace of mind. Later today I told him that obviously I am trying to help him and shouting my head off is not something that I can take much of. In the evening he said he was very sorry. I reassured him that I was very proud of him. It was a sort of sad moment, but there was a smile in his eyes.

Quitting and addiction must be difficult as hell, but you can't just go against the other person, especially if that person is trying to help.

I knew it wouldn't be easy.

The days definitely resemble a roller-coaster ride.

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I calculated today that on average he has 8 nicotine lozenges every day. Another thing I learned today was that the type of cigarettes he smoked (past tense!) contained about 0,7 mg of nicotine and 8 mg of tar. The lozenges are 4 mg, but what does that mean exactly? How much of 4 mgs is nicotine?


"For best results try to take a lozenge in situations when you are strongly
tempted to smoke. • During Step 1 (weeks 1 to 6) us at least 9 lozenges a day.
• Do not use more than one lozenge at a time. • Do not use more than 15
lozenges per day. • Do not eat or drink whilst taking a lozenge."

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We went to another yoga class today, his second time. Both of us did worse than yesterday, but who cares, we both made the effort and stayed in the room and did most of the postures. There are good days, there are bad days. In life and in the yoga class.

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Did I mention that a fortnight is done?

The 13. Day

I realize now that it's much easier to write about this quitting process, smoking and S. than my own stuff on my own blog, which is about me. Maybe that's not so strange after all. After all, this blog is also about me, a little bit.
And it is certainly much easier to solve other people's problems, than your own, it is easier to...

Never mind.

Strangely enough, we went to a Hot Bikram Yoga class together today. He asked for this when we were on the sauna weekend with friends. He asked me to show him a few postures and said he wanted to try it. So we did. Today. I have been doing this type of yoga for a few years now, on and off. More off than on, mind you.

He now has a pass for 20 consecutive days of the sauna yoga. That will give us something to do, for sure. Oh, boy.

Next time we go is when? TOMORROW. He is very determined and liked it very much today. I am totally amazed.

xxxxx

Tonight we saw Men In Black. I laughed a lot. Never seen it before. He looked at me funny. "Looks like you are the target audience", he said. Guess I am! :-)

Then we saw MIB 2. That wasn't as good. Laughed a bit. Never mind. If there is a MIB 3., that has to wait. Why is the second part always much worse than the first? Don't even mention the third.

Guess what?! It looks like 13 DAYS DONE.

xxxxx

How long will I be writing this blog for? As long as it takes. As long as...

I don't know how long it takes and I don't care either. I am having a positive moment now.

Ssshhh. Don't tell anyone.

The 12. Day

The first pack of nicotine lozenges are finished, I have been asked to buy some new ones. Within the information leaflet it states (amongst other things):

"Do not use this medicine if you -

• are a non-smoker".

That's a bit odd. Do they think non-smokers will buy this to try nicotine for the first time? Would we mistakenly buy it instead of candy? Have there been any non-smokers who have harmed themselves or their children with a pack of this stuff? Have there been any lawsuits? I'd like to know more. Or do all nicotine products caution non-smokers, just in case and I am just a noob in this field? Sometimes I find it amusing to think about why we are warned against some things (and not others).

By the way, 11 days done, without a single cigarette! I hope it's not too boring reading all my hurrays about days that have passed. It's certainly not boring writing them.

xxxxx

Yesterday S. was working from home. Sometime in the afternoon he came into the bedroom and asked why I do not come out of the other room. The living room is now safe, there is no smoking going on! :-) So I came out. He is right. Strangely enough, I hadn't realized this.

Also, he was talking a lot on Skype to his colleagues and I didn't want to make any noise and bother the hell out of him. "But that was HOURS ago", he said. So I spent the rest of the day with him, in our living room. Smoke did not join us.

xxxxx

Today I thought why not give a bit of publicity to some other things we are involved in. This blog is something we are doing with friends. Not sure which blog has less visitors on average, this one or that one, but there is probably a competition there.

These days the toilet blog comes in handy when we go to a restaurant or a café. Instead of going out for a cigarette, S. goes to the toilet to take some photos. That does sound a bit strange, now that I have written it down. Alright, he doesn't go to the toilet 2-3-4 times per meal to take photos, though that was how many he had smoked before and after the meal and perhaps before the dessert was served at restaurants. Especially, when we dined with smokers, it was a ritual to go outside for a bit.

And as for the toilet blog - I also think it is great to have a collection of anything that goes back a bunch of years. A variation from around the world. As far as keeping him occupied (even if you include uploading the photos, creating titles and adding URLs, etc.), it's not much, but it is surely fun. And it is also fun to see people looking at you funny - "you are taking photos of what?!". They probably think we are doing something disgusting. But it isn't gross (most of the time). Once they understand, most people ask us next time we meet, "do you want to take photos of this toilet" "or that one?" Or "I took a photo of a nice one, do you want me to send it to you"?

Yes, please, guest toilet posts are very welcome.

The 11. Day

Last night the plans changed a bit, I offered to pick him up after work, in the end he asked me to take a train ride to London Bridge. We met there, he was glad to see me, wasn't in a bad mood.

At home we watched a funny, short video (for any Hungarian speakers out there) created by Hungarian students against the idiotic Hungarian government policies. Then we had dinner and watched the BBC documentary about smoking I found the day before (see yesterday's post).

The dinner I made turned out to be delicious and much appreciated by both of us. Salmon, mushrooms, a sauce made of mostly broccoli, tomatoes, parsley and a bit of cheese and baked goats cheese with a honey and grapes sauce. Yum!

We decided to postpone the massage and website building for today.

xxxxx

I realize now that I tend the write about the previous day, but have the present day as the title. Is that a problem? Maybe not. This blog is about the past, present and future. Just like everything else...

xxxxx

Last night he said he thinks he should give it some more time. Not one month, that's not enough, but 6 months. He said that! He thinks if the desperate urge he still feels does not calm down buy then, he will go straight back to smoking and never look back. He also said that feeling the urge now and then is fine, that he doesn't mind. But to continuously feel depressed, that is something he will not be able take for long. This all sounds pretty promising.

xxxxx

He says he misses the ritual a lot. His idea is to fully quit smoking, and then at some point, later on (when?) to start smoking cigars instead. Most people only smoke a limited number of cigars each day, so perhaps that could work. Perhaps one after dinner. Not continuously, not parallel to almost each and every activity you do. And there is a ritual there for sure. I like the smell of cigars. Perhaps it would work.

xxxxx

10 days done.

xxxxx

S. received a package from his Dad this morning. An encouraging package. It contained a box of nicotine patches, a box of nicotine gum and some (real) candy he likes. He checked out both the gum and the patches, read the information within. S. was surprised and thought it was a very nice and thoughtful idea from his Dad. Moments like this are very important. Always, but especially now.

The 10. Day

Depression

has

arrived.

xxxxx

He said on the phone that it's a cold, gloomy day. True. And that the work day isn't going so well either. It's depressing. All in all, not a good day.

How to cheer him up?

I wish we could say timeout!, he could have a few puffs, feel better and continue trying to quit. But that's not how it works. A few puffs would lead to a few cigarettes and we would need to go straight back to "Go". 10 days is a huge accomplishment but it is not enough.

There has had to be a shxt day. A disastrous day. When nothing worked.

I'll make a delicious dinner, we have a website to work on and a film to watch.

A massage might help him tonight, too.

The 9. Day

Yesterday it was his turn to offer me help. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown based on the good old low self-confidence - all this straight after talking to a recruitment agent. S. helped me back to normal. He has complete trust in my abilities. That's so important. And what's more, he calmed me down. He is the one who should be having breakdowns these days, not me.

Then came the evening, which went quite well, until the irritation and shouting arrived. He shouted, I cried. The particular situation was my fault, that's true, but I thought the level of distress was much higher than the situation deserved it. I had to concentrate very hard not to:

1. smack him
2. leave the room, leave the flat
3. throw a pack of cigarettes in his face and wish him lots of luck with many more years of happy smoking.

Later on the mood was restored, we were back to normal. Glad I didn't do any of the above 3.

-----

I to continue to look for information. It's good to know more and have a base for discussions. Here is the BBC's documentary on smoking. Worth watching.

The 8. Day

I realize now how important it is to continuously talk about the process with the person you are helping. But you mustn't be pushy. I am very glad S. has been open about quitting so far. I hope he doesn't close up later on.

Before last week it was easiest to talk to everybody else but S. about quitting smoking, not at all easy to talk to S. about it. Last year I asked a bunch of people about what it was like when they quit, is there a magic method. Guess what the answer to that was.

I had difficulty bringing the topic up as in the past few months S. jumped at it (and at me) every time I mentioned it. Perhaps I began talking about the topic wrong. Wrong what? Wrong tone of voice? Wrong words? Wrong moment? I doubt that there ever is a right moment.

I must admit, I have been angry in the past about smoking. About seeing the living room day after day filling up with smoke. And him sitting in the middle of it. And me spending the day in the other room.

Smoke and smoking used to not bother me at all. I used to work at theaters where so many people smoke and this was before smoking was banned in public areas, so rehearsals were full of smoke. And some rooms at universities as well. I didn't care. People used to ask me whether I mind if they smoke while I eat. I was always surprised by this, I couldn't see how the two were connected. Go ahead, I said, every time, I don't mind. At that point many smokers looked at me like I was a bit crazy. Were they waiting for someone to tell them off, go to your room, stop that nonsense?

People used to ask me what it was like to live with a smoker. A heavy smoker, they said. I shrugged, and said, yes, but what could I do about it. This is how he is. It's part of him. But it's harmful they said, almost every time. At this point I thought, hello, do you think you have just revealed to me a great big secret only you knew about? Yes, I think it is harmful. But does living together necessarily mean you need to change the other person? Take away all their usual habits? And what can you offer in return?

-----

All in all the weekend went well. Much better than I expected. Several things didn't go as (I) planned, but that doesn't matter. We had a good time and S. was kept occupied enough.

Strangely enough, it was television that helped him over the weekend. There was a big screen TV at the serviced apartment we stayed at and S. watched a lot of it. We don't have a TV, you see, neither of us feel the need to get one. It's been several years since S. or I sat down to watch anything on a television set.

S. was fascinated with the TV. Like a child re-exploring a long-forgotten toy. He watched golf and rugby, buy this diamond ring, buy that appliance shows and was probably most amazed by a teleshop show offering 3 magnifying glass pens and a flat sheet of magnifying glass, all for about 6 quid or even less. There were also topless women on a bed dancing to the camera and offering naked photos of themselves and a chance to hear them talk "dirty" to you. S. of course commented on every pathetic detail and we laughed a lot.

"Please don't make TV the addiction you choose instead of smoking", I said. He said he wouldn't.

-----

We were with friends most of the day on Sunday. With D., B. and B. It was great to hear S. openly talk about quitting and we both told our friends about the weekend. B. (who has never smoked) said this is a tricky topic for him as all of his family smokes or smoked. His sister who had been smoking for a long time decided to quit one day and hasn't lit up ever since. She hadn't used patches, hadn't taken any help, just quit. B.'s Dad on the other hand had tried to quit on two occasions, both of which were complete failures and both of which were quite demanding times for the whole family. B. said he thinks his Dad will just continue to smoke and harm his body until the end. S. said this is what he had planned to do as well. To smoke and live as long as he can while smoking all his life.

B. said smoking is disgusting for him, it is smelly and expensive.

S. also talked about how hard it was, especially at the beginning of last week, how irritated he was. And that he was going to give it a month and if it doesn't work, he will give up quitting smoking forever. But yesterday he said it was going much better, so he is more positive.

-----

It's been 7 smokeless days. So far.

Creating a puzzle

Creating games for someone who is trying to quit is a good idea. It's always fun to solve a puzzle, and it doesn't have to be very complicated either. Plus the person enjoys the fact that you thought up something for them and for them only. I'm learning a lot along the way.

The 7. Day

It looks like there won't be such need to have a particular event to do every day. It is enough to be prepared with ideas if we have a few hours on our hands. I also find it useful to have a few things readily available in my backpack. Here is my list:

1. A few dvds 
Especially if you are off for a weekend together.

2. A book / magazine / newspaper
I make sure he always has something to read as he tends to read a lot.

3. A book I read to S. or he reads to me
We have a habit of reading books or parts of books out loud to each other. We are reading Edward Albee's Who is Afraid of Virginia Woolf? which we love and laugh at so much. A brilliant play.

4. Something creative to do together
At the moment we are working on creating a website, so I have some sketches of the website pages. Also, we have some ideas / drawings / sketches of jewellery we plan to create together.

Doing something creative together can work wonders. Whether you are trying to quit or just want to have fun and feel good, too.

And most importantly:

5. Paying 100% attention to him
This needs to be in my head, not in my backpack, you silly. This is most important of all. And easiest to forget. And most difficult to follow through. I need to pay even more attention to him than usual and be even more prepared to talk, entertain, change plans, etc. These days, weeks, months cannot be about my petty little hissy fits. No being jealous. I must not be selfish.

It's not about me. I am not the star of the show. He is. Must keep this in mind. All the time.

xxxxx

It pretty great that S. is very open about the whole thing, we talk about the quitting process every day. Most of the time it is he who brings up the subject. He informs me about what it's like and how he is doing. It's a bit like talking about sex. I think a lot of people don't talk about sex (not really seriously, earnestly), so when we do, I feel a bit like being part of a secret society, a minority that is open about this amazingly important topic.

xxxxx

Later today we are off to see some friends and will spend most of the day with them. See how that goes. One step at a time.

I am grateful for such a brave man.

The 6. Day

Here is the spinach puree I meant, which I made yesterday. I used to hate this when I was a kid. Now I can't get enough of it! It was a success last night, so apparently, I can make it too.

xxxxx

Yesterday he again said the Lozenges are working out for him. We also talked a bit about how harmful nicotine was but neither of us know too much about this and how harmful it is to the body. I'll need to look this up.

xxxxx

Now I need to say a few words about this lovely place we are staying at.

I wanted to book a hotel with an indoor pool and sauna. Well, both are here, but not in the building. At the reception they said it was a 5 minute walk. It is actually at least 10, you need to walk quite a bit and it is at a sports centre nearby, not at all part of this hotel. When we arrived last night, the sauna was already closed (at 9 pm), though on their website they said it will be open until 10 pm and until 6 pm over the weekend. None of these are true. When I asked for directions at reception they did not mention the sauna was already closed. Interestingly enough, this information had been changed on their website from what I read on there a few days ago. Interestingly enough.
Also, though the wifi is free and worked well last night, today it comes and goes which is quite irritating. The only fulfilling part of not getting what you thought you are paying for is the juicy complaints I shall be writing on booking.com, TripAdviser, etc. over the next few days.

The neighborhood isn't great, but I knew that and don't mind as that's not what we are here for. The good bit is it that the rooms are clean and the bed is alright. Okay, the bed. It is actually two beds pushed together, which we hate. When you ask for a double, give us double, not twins pushed together. Anyways, had I know all of the above I wouldn't have booked this place. No, Sireee.

But let's not forget: S. didn't mind. He is the greatest. He liked that I wanted to surprise him. He was at ease all weekend.

Today (Saturday) we went to Goring and Streatley, two lovely villages right next to each other. I found these villages by chance, when checking what's on offer on the train lines close by. Beautiful landscape. We walked around a lot and had delicious coffee, chili hot chocolate, quiche and cake at the Pierreponts Café.

And it was at this café that I let S. know about the existence of this blog.

I didn't just tell him to look it up. This is how I told him:

The 5. Day

I asked him in the morning if there was anything he hasn't eaten in a while but would love to. He said, spinach. What he meant was a creamed spinach dish from spinach, milk, butter, flour, garlic, salt, pepper and bit of roasted ham / bacon. Best with fried eggs (sunny-side-up) on top. This is a typical Hungarian dish, but in London we make it from fresh spinach leaves and not frozen spinach as done in Hungarian households. Also, we make it with plain flour instead of pieces of bread and add a touch of bacon. I am trying to find the recipe in English, no luck just yet.

-----

Back to the 5th day. Another surprise awaited him today. I have written in our shared calendar that from Friday to Sunday that there will be "Something to do, do not book anything else" for these days. We have done similar surprises for each other in the past, sometimes we had to wait for six months (!) to find out what a "blocked out" evening or weekend was all about. As said before, I love surprises, both creating and receiving them. I think the importance of creating good surprises for each other in a relationship should be taught at schools. Instead of the bullshxt they do teach. Anyways.

A few weeks ago I booked 2 nights at this place. From several choices I decided to go for something that didn't cost much, wasn't far to travel, was fairly new build, looked comfortable and most of all, offered a pool and sauna, which he loves.

He called me at 5 pm to say he is going to the pub with colleagues and I should pick him up there as he didn't know what I was planning had any time constraints or not. So I gave him another hour (which gave me more time to prepare too).

As these apartments are fully serviced, I made the creamed spinach (first time for me, he is the one who usually makes it) at home and also took along some other bits of food. I picked him up at the pub where he was sitting inside. This is an important detail. This was probably the first time in years that he was spending more time sitting inside a pub and not standing outside smoking with the cool people. Part of the smoking culture these days is that sooner or later you will be cold as it is forbidden to smoke inside buildings. So you go outside.

Smokers tend to say it's cool to go outside, it is the cool people who go outside (into the cold) and have the cool conversations. If you are sitting inside and you are warm, your brain stops working. Obviously.

-----

We took a short ride to Paddington. At Paddington we bought some drinks and some eggs - he didn't even blink. The eggs were for the spinach puree, of course, which he hadn't known about at that point. I love surprising him because he doesn't start asking questions, doesn't get nervous and doesn't try to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Gotta get some sleep now. Will write about this slightly scammy hotel tomorrow.

5 days done.

The 4. Day

This is the "candy" he bought. They're called Nicotine Lozenges (from Sainsbury's), and have Peppermint taste. It's a 12 week programme, with decreasing amounts of nicotine for every step. They are calling it medicine.

Their recommended dosage:

Step 1 – Weeks 1 to 6: Initial treatment period. 1 lozenge every 1 to 2 hours. 

Step 2 – Weeks 7 to 9: Step down treatment period. 1 lozenge every 2 to 4 hours. 

Step 3 – Weeks 10 to 12: Step down treatment period. 1 lozenge every 4 to 8  

hours. 

There are two types of this, the 4 mg and the 2 mg. He bought the 4 mg, and although it is more nicotine, it probably be be more helpful to him. You can't just go from 20-30 to 0. Or at least I don't think you can.

S. says it's working for him very well. He has tried patches and gums in the past, neither worked at all. He sucks on these tablets and gets the nicotine fast. I hope it stays this way. He is visibly, strikingly much calmer.

xxxxx

To continue with the gifts, last night I gave him a bag of nougat, which he loves. He of course said that he cannot switch to sweets instead of cigarettes. But he did have some of it and loved it. Of course eating more and eating more sweets is not the solution. I know a lot of people turn to food when they try to quit and gain a lot of weight. That's another urge you need to hold back on. Especially, as you really need some true oral pleasure instead of this oral pleasure that's been taken away from you.

xxxxx

S. told me the difference between smokers and nonsmokers is that smokers can satisfy their needs straight away and with ease, whereas nonsmokers suppress their needs. Well, not sure I agree, as I am not familiar with the urge to smoke. And I rarely have the urge to drink a lot either. But yes, I prohibit myself from eating a mountain of chocolate, cookies, brownies and cupcakes every day. It is quite hard. And this too is an addiction, though slightly different, and one which does not need to be satisfied 20 times a day.

xxxxx

There was an event I wanted to go to tonight. Should I leave him alone on the evening of the 4th day? Well, I thought, best is to ask. He said go ahead and go. Had he said no, I would have stayed home with him. When I got home, he was working on his laptop, sitting in the usual position by the coffee table. It was the same position but the room was not filled with smoke. It had a very pleasant new smell.

The 3. Day

It turns out, he needed the costs as each day he puts 7.77 into his savings account. Love this idea.

We went to see friends in the evening. I wasn't sure if this was a good idea or not, as I thought he might be very irritated and would be difficult to be around, especially in the first week. I was wrong.

S. had a lot of fun with our friends' 1.5 years old daughter who is lovely. It's easy to forget everything else when you look at her. It took his mind off his troubles. So if you have kids around, that helps a lot. Go and play with them, be in their world as much as you can. They don't care about cigarettes.

S. also went to the garden with our friend while she smoked. He didn't. I am very proud of him. It must be very hard. He has told me that at work he also regularly goes outside a few times each day (I think less than he used to) for short breaks with colleagues who smoke. He stands there and chats with them, while repressing the urge to smoke.

He has also bought some nicotine, some sort of nicotine "candy", as he called it. I am not sure which type he bought, didn't want to ask too many questions. It's the 3rd day and he has taken on some help. I think this is very good. I thought he rejected all pads, gum, etc. I hope it will help.

I asked how come he bought something like this, he said it was too much to do the quitting thing as well as giving up nicotine.

So, yes, nicotine is needed. And he doesn't like gum, this is why he decided to go for the candy.

He has also said it's going well. It's "just" that he always has the urge to light up...

Anyways, 3rd day done. Yesss!

The 2. Day

Yesterday we went to Belgo's where we have gone a bunch of times before, to celebrate, to share with friends or to purely have a good time, great food and drinks. I highly recommend it! It was a surprise for S., he loved it. After a difficult day, a well-deserved pot of mussels in green thai sauce with good Belgian beer. He was very happy.

What he said about the first day was this. "It went well, but time passed very-very slowly".

I also gave him a book I thought he would be keen to read. I think gifts help, too. Thoughtful gifts are always good. But it also show appreciation. And I am very proud of him.

I also gave him some ideas of what we could do together, creatively. We have creative projects and he always urges me to do more. These were a few ideas I have sketched out which could be turned into jewelery through 3D printing. He is so good at this, so I am looking forward to our creative moments, hours, days.

During dinner I also told him that I have plans, I will have ideas, but you can always veto.

xxxxx

The first way went well. The second seemed like shxt.

He was very irritated and shouting a lot at night. He couldn't sleep. He said I too signed the contract, so I should be helping him.

How do you help a shouting man?

But I did sign the contract, so I must.

He said we need to agree on a deadline. On a timeframe. If he cannot quit until then, let's forget this whole quitting business forever.

We agreed on a month. Was this a good decision? Whether it will be enough or not, I don't know. It's the decision we made, so we need to stick to it. I hope it will be enough.

I almost felt like throwing a pack of cigarettes at him. Here, fxck you. Do whatever you like. I can't cope with so much anger.

But I didn't. I had a contract with him. He had a contract with me.

CANNOT give up now. It just started.

He said I was quarrelling with him. I thought he was quarrelling with me. Perhaps he had slightly better reason to. I might be wrong.

xxxxx

The next morning (the morning of the 3. day) he asked, "did I overdo it last night?" I said, "just a touch". But I understand that you are irritated.

He asked what the price of cigarettes are. I wasn't sure. I thought 7 something. We tried to ask at Sainsbury's, but they wouldn't tell us the price unless we bought a pack. I didn't tell them it was for quitting purposes.

Oh well, I walked into the small shop further down the road, prices were as follows:
20 blue Camels: £8
10 blue Camels: £4.20

Later on I went back to Sainsbury's and asked for 20 Camels. She scanned it, I looked at the price and said, oops, sorry, don't need it after all. She must have been a bit annoyed, especially as she had to climb up a small ladder to get it (and then put it back). But oh, well, a small sacrifice to pay for our society. (or something).

At Sainsbury's 20 is: £7.77.

Good to know, actually.

The 1. Day

Taking the previous post a bit further - during this weekend away with his friends, he has told his friends about what we are about to do. He talked about it, which I find very encouraging. They too are heavy smokers. They need to know. Perhaps some day, it will help them, too.

I hope they don't all think it was purely my idea. That I am the strict old bxtch who is now tired of inhaling all the smoke and wants to change her man to be whatever she wants him to be. Just for her bxtchy pleasure. I AM tired of all the smoke. Am I a bxtch for trying to get him to quit smoking?

Am I?

Are we in the self-assessment zone again?!

Back to the weekend. It went very well. Saunas and jacuzzis, especilly in a snowy, rainy setting are sexy. Lots of laughter, good food. Some deep conversations.

We talked, slept, had good sex. We laughed. It was good.

Arrived very early to London Luton. We came out, he had a coffee and a lemonade.

No cigarette.

Tonight is a surprise evening for him.

Watch this space. Every day. I will be posting.

He hadn't lit a cigarette. None.

I know it's just the first day, but somehow I feel relaxed and full of energy.

Letting others know

The weekend away with friends went really-really well. Lotsa laughter, but some serious talking as well. Good stuff.

But to rewind just a bit, I want to write down what it was like when S. received my letters.

A few days before we arrived to Budapest, I was told by his Dad, A. and his wife, Zs. that my letters had arrived and what should they do about them. I said keep the letters and give them to him when we arrive from the airport.

S. opened the letters and didn't say much. I thought, oh, dear, he doesn't want to do it.

A. and Zs. were like two curious kids, tell me, tell me what the letters are about!

It was a strange moment, as it was a surprise and there might be many others for him, but in a way it is not the usual, all happy-happy surprise. It's not going to be very easy now, is it.

But in a bit S. showed them the letter, then left the kitchen to do something in another room. Then Zs. read it and soon she too left the kitchen. She too is a heavy smoker. Not sure what she felt about this whole thing. A. stayed behind, read the letters, kissed me on the cheek and said something encouraging to me. He thought it is a very good idea what we are about to do.

Looking back I wasn't sure whether I did the right thing. Perhaps S. would have wanted to keep this all to himself at first. And tell others when he is ready. I sort of made that decision for him. Now that I think about it, I think it was in fact the right decision. Telling people that you are taking this major step is a good decision.  Some people might make bad remarks, others might ask too often how it's going. But if you tell the right people, they might be able to offer some help, to also take time and concentrate on keeping you focused on other things. And it's also important to have people who are proud of you. And they need to tell you that. If they don't know it's happening, they can't show you their appreciation.